Friday, January 28, 2005
was in a super bad mood dis morn n really felt so irritated at everybody who talked to me. just had dis horrible urge to shout at sumbody n almost raised my voice at my dad. but i din n hope i will nv do such a thing again cos everytime i do dat, i will just feel so guilty..
heard a letter read on the radio by the DJ abt a girl who hated her mum n nv tried to understand her mum who was mentally not v sound. her mum committed suicide n died. so she really regrets not caring enuf for her mother but it's alr too late.
i cldnt help wondering
"wad if such a thing happened to me? wad if i shouted at somebody i love n suddenly the person is gone?" i wld nv get the chance to say i'm sorry n make up to the person for saying nasty things no matter wad had provoked me to say those things. i think i havent been a v nice person to some pple, esp during the yrs in ny. was just so hateful of the place dat i cldnt bring myself to b nice (or even pretend to b nice) to any1 i dislyked. nv lyked the idea of myself being hypocritical n pretentious anw.
zihao told me the other day when we met up dat he thinks i'v changed alot since the 1st 3mths in pj cos he felt dat
i'v become a more optimistic n happy person. i think it's true too.. :) i dun rem how i used to sound when i was still the old me tho i rem thinking to myself
"i'm such a pessimistic person but i cant help it. life sux. i hope i die soon." sumtimes i still wish i'll die young cos i think when we grow older n c more of the world arnd us, it just makes us sad n oppressed human beings who just
wake up, go to work, come home, slp, wake up, go to work, come home, slp,.. dat's not the life i wan to live but i guess dat's the sad truth yah?
i may have changed my mindset abt certain things but i think i still have to learn to b a better person. i love the pple arnd me but i kinda have trouble expressing it so dat's q sad. n i'm really secretly afraid to lose my closest frens n family tho i wun really wan to admit it. sumtimes i hear the traffic news on the radio abt motorcycle accidents n will get q paranoid cos my dad rides one. n when the location of the accident is reported sumwhere where i noe my dad isnt at, i'll just b relieved n thankful cos it means he's safe tho it also means dat sum1 else out there has lost a loved one. life is q sad when i think abt it dat way. but den again, everybody dies someday..
random thoughts at 7:33:00 AM
